It’s Just A Little Bit of History Repeating

Or is it? Some say that history can never repeat itself, which is technically true since we can never really be in the same circumstance, emotional state, or place in space in order for this to actually happen.

Think about what you have learned in the past year, or even the past few months; can you really unlearn ? Ignorance is bliss you say? I think not.
Who is the biggest sinner, the one that sins only, or the one that sins with the knowledge of sinning and does it anyway?
So in the realm of all things considered, would you in essence like to unlearn what you’ve learned? Ignorance of sin makes one less guilty? Hmmm…

Personally I like to think that most people would ultimately decide on truths, left or right, sink or swim, purely based on what is tangible. Exhibit A: My boyfriend is an ASSHOLE…but I love him that way = don’t bitch when he breaks your heart because he IS and ass.

So based on this idea of truths, are we programming ourselves to repeat past mistakes based on our ignorance of things or our selective ignorance of truths around us?

We continue the path of our lives and outline our battle wounds and try to understand how this affects our actions and reactions.

What may be some things we might ignore? Am I happy with my career? Do I like my job? Do I like where I am living now? Am I a good friend? Do I support my family? Am I in the right relationship? Do I love the person that I am? Do I love the person that I am with?

Why do I work here? Why am I with him/her? Why am I there/ not there for others?

Anything short of : because I choose to, raises red flags.

Know thyself = inner peace.

Ignorance is bliss? I think not.

Me in Many Ways

Looking back at things that have passed, come and gone, lived and wilted, is inevitable isn't it? I've been living my life the way I've wanted, at the pace that I chose..and I haven't been happier or more fulfilled than now.

My riches extend beyond my comprehension, and surprises me to feel how calm I finally am.

I've followed the lining of my scars, tracing the path of experience and resolution. Not sure of where things will lead I give myself to the day freely. I plan, but I am ready for changes in the understanding that nothing is predetermined.

I look through the opportunities and endless possibilities. I dream of new horizons and clear and thundering skies, but I don't close my eyes. I am aware; I take everything in. The room, the space, the air itself connects with me. My breathing, steady, my mind commited.

With vision finally in focus, I invite the change in me, the hope, the fear, everything that is in me that reminds me that I live and therefor I have choice.

I work, concentrate, plan, execute, share myself and I smile. I share my smile. I share because I choose. I choose because I can.

What a marvelous thing...

Do We Really Go In Circles?

When we think of where we have been and where we are going? Does it seem like we have already been there before? What is it about personality that gives us our MO? Are we predictable?

I had a conversation this weekend about patterns. This person said, " I never go into one place the same way, even taking the route to work always changes." Hmmmm...well, if you were being careful about not having a pattern you would do that of course. But wait, wouldn't you not following a pattern so that you are not predictable be a pattern in a way? I mean, even when we change...and KEEP changing...is that not a pattern?

So you hit a wall every 5-10 years or so and you have to come up with new ideas or activities that make you happy, make you feel productive, and successful in anyway...whether it's with relationships, careers, jobs, or even social networks. If you can think back, is what mattered to you 5 years ago still there? Does it still matter, or is it different?

Our patterns makes us surround ourselves with similar people and situations. If we have made mistakes in the past, are we not bound to make them once again?

What is it about our nature that makes you try or even succeed in change? Is change only a mirage?

Changes With Time...

Can people change? I mean, really change? Someone once told me, you are at 50 what you are at 10yrs of age. Your fits are the same but for bigger things, you are still a bit narcissistic yet now instead of fighting for your game or your toy, you fight for your financial or psychological independence and the luxury of making the most entertaining decisions possible, as an adult.

I just watched the season finale of House. No surprise there, it is one of my favorite shows of all time,...pure genious, but complex. It made me cry. It really did, partly because I identify with the character and partly because he is so foreign to me, that I am not sure to what level I really connect to the concept that is his "fabricated life."

I'm not even sure why it affects me the way it does. I guess in a way, I fell that if he can change, maybe I can too. I guess I feel that if maybe he can really connect with what he needs and he is not afraid to go get it, maybe I can too. The character is so calculating and in charge, always trying to find the answers...so much so, so meticulously so, ahtat it has become an obsession. The very essence of who he is has become a problem solver, nothing more. Solving is so much more meaninful than the fact that you have just saved lives...until you can't or you won't ...or you literally have to fight for yourself, against yourself, to your own.

Someone else told me, very recently in fact...that I am afraid to hold on. Tonight I actually have prove that it that I can't let go, or maybe that I just haven't made a decision to do so.

Even when you do the right thing,and you cut off what you can't leave with to get out of the hole...sometimes you lose the battle once you are out of the hole. You lose a part of who you are. Maybe I was never meant to be saved back there, bac there where I used to be..back there, when I used to be something else...someone else.

I'm also tired of being calculating, I don't want to be worried about every detail, every carefully orchestrated detail that would in sume make up what my life is. ..and will be. I want to let go, have faith for once, in others other than my own thoughts. I need to have faith that even when I might not change, the world around me will let me see myself and others in a different light.

The only thing that is true here is that I need to learn to accept one truth, the only truth that really matters, I am who I am. It's about time I make peace with that.

Then one day wake up and realize.."I've finally let go, and I didn't even notice."

Things are where they should be...

....sort of.

It's the middle of May in 2010 and I feel like I have come a long way even if it might not be that noticeable for some. I think I've made some really good (sound) decisions in the past few months. Even since before the year started, I think I was getting a lot better in keeping my eye on the ball.

I've made some minor changes to my short-term and long-term goals but that was necessary. I have not written publicaly so much anymore but I have privately. I don't write everyday, only on days that I feel it would be obsolutely necessary to have to read this back and reflect on those thoughts.

I've had enough to reflect on in the past few months and I'm glad I've had the opportunity to do so.

This sememster is going to be a bit heavy but I'm sure it will be fine. I have some really good things I get to look forward to this summer so the Fall will be great too.

I'm really greatful for having the opportunity of having my family so close, I like to know and feel that I am there when they need me.

On other issues, I will probably start building up my "must read" list this summer. So I might take a couple of days doing that. I need to eventually work on posting some of my trip pictures on my facebook as well. We'll see how it goes.....

For now, I'm going to try and get some sleep.

Why is it that I always seem to get a sudden burst of energy right before I must go to bed?? It really has be freaked out...it's been happening a bit to often. :-(

Welcome 2010

So many things are different now. It’s good to have things that have remained the same though. I love spending time with family now days. I was blessed enough to have some family over for the holidays…the holidays…seems like it was light years ago and that was only last month.
I have plenty of things to be excited about. I’ve been planning a trip for the longest time it seems. I hope to have everything ready for it here shortly…

This is where I will be this April:

( Yep, that's Japan baby! Needless to say I plan of having a great time. And Alex will be my personal tour guide...)

Things at work are still the same ..just working away, with some minor changes.

Just got my DVR hooked up again yesterday so I will start to check out my top shows again…. Lets see:

House

American Idol

Brothers & Sisters

Hung

True Blood

Melrose Place

(what am I , 16 again???/ I know it’s too much pointless drama but it’s entertaining in many ways…lol)

The L Word

What ever happen to Dirty Sexy Money?

The Practice

Etc…you get the point.

------ I’m also shopping quite a bit online nowdays. It’s just so much easier, I’m growing allergic to actual stores it seems…slowly but surely.

I’ve written a few things in my journal (yes, now I actually write on hardcopy; one of the reasons I have not written here. I find it very therapeutic ) …I will place them here sometime later.

I apologize if this is pretty random for the beginning of the year. I promise I will try to get more organized with my thought flow ….

It’s good to be back.

NEW WAYS, OLD WAYS...in NEW DAYS

Where have I've been for months???? Here is were....

* In School

* Working on my new position

* Practicing my vocals

* Planning parties

* Getting involved with the community

* Meeting new people

* Dealing with previous people (lol)

I really need to start writing more. I like this picture....it makes me think of me. Ying-yang me....

I am currently reading the Davinci Code (all late, I know!) because I am going to read Angels and Demons next ( I do however understand that it should have been first) so that I can follow the whole movie thing too.

From last year up to now I have seen the following movies...(in no particular order of course)

1. Twilight

2. Sex and The City

3. Transporter 3

4. Fast and Furious

5. Wanted

6. The Hulk

7. Taken

8. My Summer of Love

9. Sisters

10. Mr. Brooks

11. Hannibal Rising

12. 27 Dresses

13. He is Just Not That Into You

14. In the Land of Women

15. The Women

16. The Day the Earth Stood Still

17. X men: Wolverine

....and I am sure many more that I can even think of at the time.

I am currently addicted to In Treatment and The Practice and Brothers and Sisters...

Let's see what else....Hmmm.

I've been traveling during the weekends quite a bit, on business and such. I am planning on going to Cancun this summer ( that is if the flu thing goes away by then) or maybe camping.

I'm trying to live life day by day. I do worry way too much sometimes so I am at a constant struggle to find my center. I've had interesting conversations with some people, which just makes me miss them more.

I'll probably write more later on what has been entertaining me. Worrying me... or feeding my soul....

for more serious stuff click here.

Year up to now? I'm glad you asked...

Hmm...since the beginning of this year, in no particular order...





a. relocated to Eagle Pass, TX


b. started working on my Business Degree


c. picked up some more books for reading


d. planning to take violin lessons starting November


e. met new people


f. continued to be friends with the usual suspects! :-)


g. other friends have moved to other continents...but we still keep in touch! :-)





Pretty much I am spending time with family nowdays. I have good days and ridiculous days but I will survive. There is not much to do in this city...boo.





Please come visit me. :-)

New Year...New stuff..old stuff...and I roll with it...

New year and I am trying to figure out my life. So much happened in such a short time. I am trying to stay positive but there isn’t much positive going on. I guess sometimes you just have to roll with it. It may be that I have fallen too low to see the light….but I tend to guide myself slowly into the little bright dot in the distance.
I have not written much, I’ve only seen a few movies and read only some books. I will have more time to read if I so choose. And..hopefully to blog.
I am back on and for most of you I am brand new..but the truth is, I still remain myself in many ways. I will write, comment, and let go here…as much as I can.
Everything else, everything else in my other life…you can view Through archives.

I have gotten into myspace profile a lot in the past year. Keep changing it up a bit to not get bored. I’m glad I got to get in touch with some of my friends.

I just hope that I grow more than what I have been able to. I hope that I can live with my decisions. I hope that I can just live….in peace.
We’ll see what happens. Let the therapy begin…

I really want to go watch a movie but I am not sure which one. I finally got to see Frida after about a year of wanting to. I watched the Namesake the other day and loved it. Really good movie about coming –of- age and family values. I like the guy that comes out in it since he is coming out in the new season of House.

Oh, by the way some of my favorite shows are coming back like House and American Idol.
There are some new shows that I’ve been watching and I really like…

Cashmere Mafia

Dirty Sexy Money

Private Practice

Saving Grace

Among others….

Things among other things....

Looking back in the last few years ( I can not believe it’s been years already) I realize I have not kept up with the little things that used to make me laugh sometimes. Could it be that I am just “growing” out of it. I personally don’t think people grow out of anything….they just become too embarrassed to keep doing it if you ask me.

Take my friend Sonia for example, we both know better than to be loud and make fun of people at restaurants or baseball games or the workplace for that matter but it only takes a quick glance from eachother to know exactly what the other is thinking…and there it comes..laughter laughter laughter!! J

Sometimes I wish I didn’t had to grow older that fast….and sometime it feels that I am not there fast enough…hmmmm. Ok back to the things that used to make me laugh….

It’s been ages since I’ve checked out Homestar Runner! My fave is Strong Bad Email…that guy really cracks me up. He is the original version of Nacho in my opinion. I love his brother Strong Sad too..he just makes you want to kill yourself after two minutes of listening to him.

Another brief but fun past time was checking out Will Ill Press….sometimes they are not so..errr. politically correct but who is these days?? Makes me think of Carlos Mencia and Kathy Griffin…I didn’t even know she got a divorce! I found out the other day checking out the new season of Life on the D List…I LOVE the show! She is so funny! I like her better than Sarah Silverman. Ellen is still my favorite though…maybe because she is gay. I’m sorry but anyone who can get a girl like Portia and keep her for being sweet and funny is alright in my book. Plus, I strongly support the gay and lesbian community. I think when it comes to love gender doesn’t matter.

Hmmm….how the hell did I get from Homestar to Ellen???? It’s weird how my mind works sometimes, a bit scary.

Uhhh…that reminds me, I need to see if I can find the Homestar Runner apple commercial I kept looking for ..it’s been years and I haven’t found it. Oh, I guess I can look on You Tube, people always post stuff like that out there. http://dirkcrimson.keenspace.com/pics/homestarswitch.html
Ha..found it!
___________________________________________________________

Break. Didn’t get to post this yesterday. We were moving office stuff and I was suppose to post it when I got to the office. Sometimes I am too busy for my own good. I had sushi yesterday…that made me very happy! J

So what’s new today???? Hmmm….

VMA music award nominations are in…

Timberlake, Beyonce top VMA nominations08/07/2007 10:30 PM, APNekesa Mumbi Moody Justin Timberlake and Beyonce lead the pop parade of nominees for the MTV Video Music Awards with seven nods apiece, it was announced Tuesday.
Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" was nominated for video of the year, as was Timberlake's ambitiously cinematic "What Goes Around ... Comes Around," which co-starred Scarlett Johansson. Also competing in the category are Amy Winehouse's "Rehab," Kanye West's "Stronger," Rihanna's "Umbrella" (featuring Jay-Z) and Justice's "D.A.N.C.E."
Timberlake was also nominated for male artist of the year and "most earth shattering collaboration" for pairing with Timbaland for "Sexy Back." Beyonce was nominated for female artist of the year and for her collaboration with Shakira on "Beautiful Liar."
West landed five nominations, including male artist of the year. He has often appeared prickly about losing awards, and on Tuesday he was still sore over being snubbed last year for his Evel Knievel spoof video "Touch the Sky." (In 2005, he did win best male video for "Jesus Walks.")
"I come to win. I don't come to lose," West told MTV Tuesday on "TRL," where the awards were announced. "I think there's some really strong competition this year."
Rihanna also received five nominations, propelled by her hit single, "Umbrella," which is up for "monster single of the year."
Also nominated for male artist of the year was Akon, T.I. and Robin Thicke. Rounding out the nominees for female artist of the year were Fergie and Nelly Furtado.
Amy Winehouse, whose album "Back to Black" was her second disc but her first released in the U.S., was nominated for best new artist. She received three nods, including female artist of the year. In the best new artist category, Winehouse will compete with her compatriot Lily Allen, as well as Carrie Underwood, Gym Class Heroes and Peter Bjorn & John.
Up for best group are Fall Out Boy, Gym Class Heroes, Linkin Park, Maroon 5 and the White Stripes.
The 24th annual VMAs will be handed out during a live two-hour show on Sept. 9 in Las Vegas at the Palms Hotel and Casino. Only eight categories will be awarded on the broadcast. Performers will include Kanye West, Fall Out Boy, Amy Winehouse, Chris Brown, the Foo Fighters and Rihanna.
Timbaland will serve as "maestro" for the night, booking the show's acts.
"By me being maestro," said Timbaland, "I am the show."

Ok…is it me or is Timbaland a little too full of himself? I am not sure of the umbrella song from Rihanna…if I have to hear that one more time I would seriously consider cutting my veins. Other than that I guess I’ll be ok. I guess I would have to record it since I’ve been lazy lately and there is no way I will go through a show without being able to forward the commercials.

Which reminds me…I can’t wait until House comes back and I get to see Hugh Laurie again.. I absolutely love his character!

Reflections

Had a though week this week, no doubt about it. The weekend comes and with it many more things to take care of that I may or may not do. Remember that weekend in 2005 where I made the list that I KNEW was not going to get done? Come to think of it I used to be quite explicit with my whereabouts and weekend commitments. Now I just go with the flow. Is it really that difficult to keep track of schedules?

I decided that I just rather keep it to myself and reflect on things that happened later.

I think I need a drink. ....

So I was hoping we can go celebrate someone's birthday soon because I really need to go have some fun with friends. Hmmm......that reminds me, we had Soni's b-day celebration and I hadn't put pictures up.

Ok...I guess I can do that.

Soni was having a blast and so were we. I think I do have some out there in MySpace but you would have to go there, sign in and then go to my page to view the pics.

I left pics as public...I have nothing to hide. I need to put some new ones up though.

We'll see what happens. Not much else to reflect on at the moment. I might be able to find some cool parody of an apple commercial and post it. Hmm....Happy Friday!

From Dracula to Spartan!

It's no secret that I love Bram Stokers Dracula. Dracula 2000 wasn't the best film ever but I liked the concept of who Dracula was. Ever since I saw Gerard Butler I was intrigued. He has also worked with Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider and the latest movie was 300. Nicceee (as my friend Soni would say) I hope that this does him justice. He is one of the most Nicceee looking people on the big screen today! :-)

Hope you Enjoy!

My Boyfriend Cesar!!!!

I have been in love with this guy since I was like 12...I know, I've always liked older men I guess. I love his dark mustache...I hope this cheers some of my friends up! Enjoy! :-)

So Do You Think You Can Dance?

Well, it might not exactly come out as a surprise that I love to watch so you think you can dance. You might remember my favorite girl and boy from last season...Natalie and Benji. Luckly Benji won!


This year I was not that excited about a guy and a girl...I am into a few actually
here are the nominees for America's Favorite Dancer. We'll see how they do as the weeks progress....

From L to R: Anya, Neil, Danny (mmm...he is my favorite) Sabra, Lauren, Lacey (Benji's Sister), & Hok(he is amazing).

There are actually many good performances this year. During the last performance show everyone did quite well. Here are some of the Highlights as of right now!

Most of my favorites are from non-other than Wade Robson, he is on of the best twisted, cool as hell, freakin' choreographer alive! :-) (oh yeah, and he is uber hot too!)

Here is some of his finest work: