Can people change? I mean, really change? Someone once told me, you are at 50 what you are at 10yrs of age. Your fits are the same but for bigger things, you are still a bit narcissistic yet now instead of fighting for your game or your toy, you fight for your financial or psychological independence and the luxury of making the most entertaining decisions possible, as an adult.
I just watched the season finale of House. No surprise there, it is one of my favorite shows of all time,...pure genious, but complex. It made me cry. It really did, partly because I identify with the character and partly because he is so foreign to me, that I am not sure to what level I really connect to the concept that is his "fabricated life."
I'm not even sure why it affects me the way it does. I guess in a way, I fell that if he can change, maybe I can too. I guess I feel that if maybe he can really connect with what he needs and he is not afraid to go get it, maybe I can too. The character is so calculating and in charge, always trying to find the answers...so much so, so meticulously so, ahtat it has become an obsession. The very essence of who he is has become a problem solver, nothing more. Solving is so much more meaninful than the fact that you have just saved lives...until you can't or you won't ...or you literally have to fight for yourself, against yourself, to your own.
Someone else told me, very recently in fact...that I am afraid to hold on. Tonight I actually have prove that it that I can't let go, or maybe that I just haven't made a decision to do so.
Even when you do the right thing,and you cut off what you can't leave with to get out of the hole...sometimes you lose the battle once you are out of the hole. You lose a part of who you are. Maybe I was never meant to be saved back there, bac there where I used to be..back there, when I used to be something else...someone else.
I'm also tired of being calculating, I don't want to be worried about every detail, every carefully orchestrated detail that would in sume make up what my life is. ..and will be. I want to let go, have faith for once, in others other than my own thoughts. I need to have faith that even when I might not change, the world around me will let me see myself and others in a different light.
The only thing that is true here is that I need to learn to accept one truth, the only truth that really matters, I am who I am. It's about time I make peace with that.
Then one day wake up and realize.."I've finally let go, and I didn't even notice."
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