Changes With Time...

Can people change? I mean, really change? Someone once told me, you are at 50 what you are at 10yrs of age. Your fits are the same but for bigger things, you are still a bit narcissistic yet now instead of fighting for your game or your toy, you fight for your financial or psychological independence and the luxury of making the most entertaining decisions possible, as an adult.

I just watched the season finale of House. No surprise there, it is one of my favorite shows of all time,...pure genious, but complex. It made me cry. It really did, partly because I identify with the character and partly because he is so foreign to me, that I am not sure to what level I really connect to the concept that is his "fabricated life."

I'm not even sure why it affects me the way it does. I guess in a way, I fell that if he can change, maybe I can too. I guess I feel that if maybe he can really connect with what he needs and he is not afraid to go get it, maybe I can too. The character is so calculating and in charge, always trying to find the answers...so much so, so meticulously so, ahtat it has become an obsession. The very essence of who he is has become a problem solver, nothing more. Solving is so much more meaninful than the fact that you have just saved lives...until you can't or you won't ...or you literally have to fight for yourself, against yourself, to your own.

Someone else told me, very recently in fact...that I am afraid to hold on. Tonight I actually have prove that it that I can't let go, or maybe that I just haven't made a decision to do so.

Even when you do the right thing,and you cut off what you can't leave with to get out of the hole...sometimes you lose the battle once you are out of the hole. You lose a part of who you are. Maybe I was never meant to be saved back there, bac there where I used to be..back there, when I used to be something else...someone else.

I'm also tired of being calculating, I don't want to be worried about every detail, every carefully orchestrated detail that would in sume make up what my life is. ..and will be. I want to let go, have faith for once, in others other than my own thoughts. I need to have faith that even when I might not change, the world around me will let me see myself and others in a different light.

The only thing that is true here is that I need to learn to accept one truth, the only truth that really matters, I am who I am. It's about time I make peace with that.

Then one day wake up and realize.."I've finally let go, and I didn't even notice."

Things are where they should be...

....sort of.

It's the middle of May in 2010 and I feel like I have come a long way even if it might not be that noticeable for some. I think I've made some really good (sound) decisions in the past few months. Even since before the year started, I think I was getting a lot better in keeping my eye on the ball.

I've made some minor changes to my short-term and long-term goals but that was necessary. I have not written publicaly so much anymore but I have privately. I don't write everyday, only on days that I feel it would be obsolutely necessary to have to read this back and reflect on those thoughts.

I've had enough to reflect on in the past few months and I'm glad I've had the opportunity to do so.

This sememster is going to be a bit heavy but I'm sure it will be fine. I have some really good things I get to look forward to this summer so the Fall will be great too.

I'm really greatful for having the opportunity of having my family so close, I like to know and feel that I am there when they need me.

On other issues, I will probably start building up my "must read" list this summer. So I might take a couple of days doing that. I need to eventually work on posting some of my trip pictures on my facebook as well. We'll see how it goes.....

For now, I'm going to try and get some sleep.

Why is it that I always seem to get a sudden burst of energy right before I must go to bed?? It really has be freaked out...it's been happening a bit to often. :-(