Why Did I Stop Being Honest?

Honesty is dangerous. It really is.. the simple act of saying, “I don’t need you right now, I’m not happy anymore, I expected more…I failed…etc.” Yet being dishonest is far worse. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it and started to think of myself, more like viewing myself from the outside in. I think of me…from the me of a few years ago and realize I tend to recognize this girl, fractions of her, but she is a stranger to me. Makes me ask myself how I let things get this way to begin with. Did I see things coming and chose not to stop it or did I make things happen because that is exactly where I wanted to end up at the time? Time…such a fluid concept of the mind and torment on the body.
I realize I became dishonest because I was afraid of failure. I hope that when I read this back to myself I can be more forgiving of my fears and more trusting of my success(es?).
I am guilty of over analyzing through the smallest details but that makes me egocentric and narrow minded at times. I’ve try to detach from the emotion and be more understanding of the perspective of others against my own…in that I know I’ve gotten better. I’ve tried to do what is right and just but sometimes that is not enough.
The moment I became dishonest, things changed. I’ve stopped writing, reading, and singing. I used to write music. In many ways melody is what helped me find solace, peace, love, anger, bittersweetness…nostalgia. Music drove me to the past and helped me understand where I stood. I left it behind in many ways. Little things. It is the little things that killed me in the end.
I used to be more connected to myself. I used to be more fearless, less cautious, more daring, less full of excuses. I used to be complete on my own…and now my little pieces are missing and I tend to feel lost. Whether realistic or not, I feel it. Now I’m in a quest to find me. Remember me. Re-build the relationship with the girl I only recognize but can’t seem to remember.
Being dishonest with myself was far more dangerous. I should have said, “I am not happy”. I should have risked and said, “I’ll take that job instead”. I should have continued to write and seek to fulfill my interest for the sake of me, and let the chips fall where they may. I should have not molded myself to what I thought the world wanted of me, like I always seem to do. I should have painted more, sang more, connected more, loved my friends more. I should have acted more and planned a little less.
It was the fear to fail, as it often is; drove me to detachment of the self. I was afraid of not being accepted. As unapologetic and assertive as I can often be, I wanted to fit in. Now I embrace the idea that I may never be able to. And that will have to be ok…
My thought is this…
I will write more.
I will paint more.
I will sing more.
I will love more.
I will do more and plan less.
I will learn that I not always have to mold myself into others, but I should choose my paths with caution nonetheless.
I need to learn to be honest and accept the consequences. It will make my world a better place. It will set me free.

It’s Just A Little Bit of History Repeating

Or is it? Some say that history can never repeat itself, which is technically true since we can never really be in the same circumstance, emotional state, or place in space in order for this to actually happen.

Think about what you have learned in the past year, or even the past few months; can you really unlearn ? Ignorance is bliss you say? I think not.
Who is the biggest sinner, the one that sins only, or the one that sins with the knowledge of sinning and does it anyway?
So in the realm of all things considered, would you in essence like to unlearn what you’ve learned? Ignorance of sin makes one less guilty? Hmmm…

Personally I like to think that most people would ultimately decide on truths, left or right, sink or swim, purely based on what is tangible. Exhibit A: My boyfriend is an ASSHOLE…but I love him that way = don’t bitch when he breaks your heart because he IS and ass.

So based on this idea of truths, are we programming ourselves to repeat past mistakes based on our ignorance of things or our selective ignorance of truths around us?

We continue the path of our lives and outline our battle wounds and try to understand how this affects our actions and reactions.

What may be some things we might ignore? Am I happy with my career? Do I like my job? Do I like where I am living now? Am I a good friend? Do I support my family? Am I in the right relationship? Do I love the person that I am? Do I love the person that I am with?

Why do I work here? Why am I with him/her? Why am I there/ not there for others?

Anything short of : because I choose to, raises red flags.

Know thyself = inner peace.

Ignorance is bliss? I think not.

Me in Many Ways

Looking back at things that have passed, come and gone, lived and wilted, is inevitable isn't it? I've been living my life the way I've wanted, at the pace that I chose..and I haven't been happier or more fulfilled than now.

My riches extend beyond my comprehension, and surprises me to feel how calm I finally am.

I've followed the lining of my scars, tracing the path of experience and resolution. Not sure of where things will lead I give myself to the day freely. I plan, but I am ready for changes in the understanding that nothing is predetermined.

I look through the opportunities and endless possibilities. I dream of new horizons and clear and thundering skies, but I don't close my eyes. I am aware; I take everything in. The room, the space, the air itself connects with me. My breathing, steady, my mind commited.

With vision finally in focus, I invite the change in me, the hope, the fear, everything that is in me that reminds me that I live and therefor I have choice.

I work, concentrate, plan, execute, share myself and I smile. I share my smile. I share because I choose. I choose because I can.

What a marvelous thing...

Do We Really Go In Circles?

When we think of where we have been and where we are going? Does it seem like we have already been there before? What is it about personality that gives us our MO? Are we predictable?

I had a conversation this weekend about patterns. This person said, " I never go into one place the same way, even taking the route to work always changes." Hmmmm...well, if you were being careful about not having a pattern you would do that of course. But wait, wouldn't you not following a pattern so that you are not predictable be a pattern in a way? I mean, even when we change...and KEEP changing...is that not a pattern?

So you hit a wall every 5-10 years or so and you have to come up with new ideas or activities that make you happy, make you feel productive, and successful in anyway...whether it's with relationships, careers, jobs, or even social networks. If you can think back, is what mattered to you 5 years ago still there? Does it still matter, or is it different?

Our patterns makes us surround ourselves with similar people and situations. If we have made mistakes in the past, are we not bound to make them once again?

What is it about our nature that makes you try or even succeed in change? Is change only a mirage?

Changes With Time...

Can people change? I mean, really change? Someone once told me, you are at 50 what you are at 10yrs of age. Your fits are the same but for bigger things, you are still a bit narcissistic yet now instead of fighting for your game or your toy, you fight for your financial or psychological independence and the luxury of making the most entertaining decisions possible, as an adult.

I just watched the season finale of House. No surprise there, it is one of my favorite shows of all time,...pure genious, but complex. It made me cry. It really did, partly because I identify with the character and partly because he is so foreign to me, that I am not sure to what level I really connect to the concept that is his "fabricated life."

I'm not even sure why it affects me the way it does. I guess in a way, I fell that if he can change, maybe I can too. I guess I feel that if maybe he can really connect with what he needs and he is not afraid to go get it, maybe I can too. The character is so calculating and in charge, always trying to find the answers...so much so, so meticulously so, ahtat it has become an obsession. The very essence of who he is has become a problem solver, nothing more. Solving is so much more meaninful than the fact that you have just saved lives...until you can't or you won't ...or you literally have to fight for yourself, against yourself, to your own.

Someone else told me, very recently in fact...that I am afraid to hold on. Tonight I actually have prove that it that I can't let go, or maybe that I just haven't made a decision to do so.

Even when you do the right thing,and you cut off what you can't leave with to get out of the hole...sometimes you lose the battle once you are out of the hole. You lose a part of who you are. Maybe I was never meant to be saved back there, bac there where I used to be..back there, when I used to be something else...someone else.

I'm also tired of being calculating, I don't want to be worried about every detail, every carefully orchestrated detail that would in sume make up what my life is. ..and will be. I want to let go, have faith for once, in others other than my own thoughts. I need to have faith that even when I might not change, the world around me will let me see myself and others in a different light.

The only thing that is true here is that I need to learn to accept one truth, the only truth that really matters, I am who I am. It's about time I make peace with that.

Then one day wake up and realize.."I've finally let go, and I didn't even notice."

Things are where they should be...

....sort of.

It's the middle of May in 2010 and I feel like I have come a long way even if it might not be that noticeable for some. I think I've made some really good (sound) decisions in the past few months. Even since before the year started, I think I was getting a lot better in keeping my eye on the ball.

I've made some minor changes to my short-term and long-term goals but that was necessary. I have not written publicaly so much anymore but I have privately. I don't write everyday, only on days that I feel it would be obsolutely necessary to have to read this back and reflect on those thoughts.

I've had enough to reflect on in the past few months and I'm glad I've had the opportunity to do so.

This sememster is going to be a bit heavy but I'm sure it will be fine. I have some really good things I get to look forward to this summer so the Fall will be great too.

I'm really greatful for having the opportunity of having my family so close, I like to know and feel that I am there when they need me.

On other issues, I will probably start building up my "must read" list this summer. So I might take a couple of days doing that. I need to eventually work on posting some of my trip pictures on my facebook as well. We'll see how it goes.....

For now, I'm going to try and get some sleep.

Why is it that I always seem to get a sudden burst of energy right before I must go to bed?? It really has be freaked out...it's been happening a bit to often. :-(

Welcome 2010

So many things are different now. It’s good to have things that have remained the same though. I love spending time with family now days. I was blessed enough to have some family over for the holidays…the holidays…seems like it was light years ago and that was only last month.
I have plenty of things to be excited about. I’ve been planning a trip for the longest time it seems. I hope to have everything ready for it here shortly…

This is where I will be this April:

( Yep, that's Japan baby! Needless to say I plan of having a great time. And Alex will be my personal tour guide...)

Things at work are still the same ..just working away, with some minor changes.

Just got my DVR hooked up again yesterday so I will start to check out my top shows again…. Lets see:

House

American Idol

Brothers & Sisters

Hung

True Blood

Melrose Place

(what am I , 16 again???/ I know it’s too much pointless drama but it’s entertaining in many ways…lol)

The L Word

What ever happen to Dirty Sexy Money?

The Practice

Etc…you get the point.

------ I’m also shopping quite a bit online nowdays. It’s just so much easier, I’m growing allergic to actual stores it seems…slowly but surely.

I’ve written a few things in my journal (yes, now I actually write on hardcopy; one of the reasons I have not written here. I find it very therapeutic ) …I will place them here sometime later.

I apologize if this is pretty random for the beginning of the year. I promise I will try to get more organized with my thought flow ….

It’s good to be back.

NEW WAYS, OLD WAYS...in NEW DAYS

Where have I've been for months???? Here is were....

* In School

* Working on my new position

* Practicing my vocals

* Planning parties

* Getting involved with the community

* Meeting new people

* Dealing with previous people (lol)

I really need to start writing more. I like this picture....it makes me think of me. Ying-yang me....

I am currently reading the Davinci Code (all late, I know!) because I am going to read Angels and Demons next ( I do however understand that it should have been first) so that I can follow the whole movie thing too.

From last year up to now I have seen the following movies...(in no particular order of course)

1. Twilight

2. Sex and The City

3. Transporter 3

4. Fast and Furious

5. Wanted

6. The Hulk

7. Taken

8. My Summer of Love

9. Sisters

10. Mr. Brooks

11. Hannibal Rising

12. 27 Dresses

13. He is Just Not That Into You

14. In the Land of Women

15. The Women

16. The Day the Earth Stood Still

17. X men: Wolverine

....and I am sure many more that I can even think of at the time.

I am currently addicted to In Treatment and The Practice and Brothers and Sisters...

Let's see what else....Hmmm.

I've been traveling during the weekends quite a bit, on business and such. I am planning on going to Cancun this summer ( that is if the flu thing goes away by then) or maybe camping.

I'm trying to live life day by day. I do worry way too much sometimes so I am at a constant struggle to find my center. I've had interesting conversations with some people, which just makes me miss them more.

I'll probably write more later on what has been entertaining me. Worrying me... or feeding my soul....

for more serious stuff click here.